PREPARING A MOTHER WITH THE NEGATIVES.

 

"get your sleep now... you'll never sleep again"

i have probably said this and a million other negative things to a mom-to-be. i'm sure a lot of us "seasoned" mothers can say the same thing. i'm talking about the negativity in preparing a new mother for what is about to come. so let's talk about it.

an old friend of mine is completely fed up with the negative remarks about what's to come. she's nine months pregnant and fed up with being pregnant. (been there!) who needs more things to be fed up about?!? yet she keeps getting reminded of "things to get ready for".  something along the lines of, "you might not even love him at first," is the straw that broke the camel's back today.

and she has a right to be frustrated. she loves her baby already. why would anyone tell her that?! there's already so many reasons to be nervous. too much time to imagine the worst. i agree. but i also feel like the negatives are needed almost more than the positives. hear me out...

you are unable to control the child you bear from the get go. sperm meet egg. parents- you've now lost all control... you've made an individual. you can't control when they kick, when they decide to be born, if they like to be held, when bedtime really is, if they will pee when you open that diaper... and it's tough. the majority of us love to be in control. i looooooove to be in control. i can't decide if my babies will gain weight, or if they need to be held to stay asleep, or if they have an aversion to any and every brand of pacifier. no, you can't control this stuff. 

but, what you can control is your education of the possible things that you might have to deal with. and that's where those unsolicited negative comments about your life post birth might actually come in handy. although, they may seem just horrible and unimaginable at the time...and you may think... "this will never be me" or "i would never do that" or "it can't be that bad"... maybe there's a reason they're telling you all the horrible, terribly things before you pop. 

i can't help but think of it this way when i think about the statement that shocked my friend and all other seemingly negative comments given to new mothers: mothers might be saying these things because their baby shocked their preconceived views on motherhood. theses mothers are trying to prepare you from the hurt, the embarrassment, the pain, the stress, the heartache they experienced. things that they wished someone had told them. they wished they weren't blind-sighted by. they are telling you, "this might happen...and it's ok. it's normal. be prepared- unlike me."

it's ok if you don't have an instant love connection with your baby. i didn't tell rorie or realized i loved rorie until she was almost two weeks old. i cried at old orchard mall when i realized that i had never told her that outside of the womb. life had been turned upside after she was born. i couldn't catch up with anything. i didn't know that this could happen. i didn't know it would be THAT hard. no one told me this could happen. had they... i might have breathed a little easier. and realized it wasn't a big deal. 

so... to all the soon-to-be mothers out there. don't be put down by negative comments. the "just wait until..." stories. the "you'll see" remarks. the "don't expect.... bla bla bla". just don't. you're being educated on the spectrum of normalcy when it comes to infants, toddlers, children, teenagers, etc. your are being saved from the unknown! you've been given great knowledge and an opportunity to ask how that particular mother handled their situation. soak it all in like a sponge. stick it in your holster for back-up. you need all the information you can get.

and you've got this. 

you've got this. 

you've got this.

[photos: jakey, jakey, roro]

MY LIVING ROOM: REAL VS. FAKE.

one night i cleaned up the day's mess and then took some pictures. when i uploaded them to my computer i laughed at how it didn't even look like my house. so i took real pictures to put up against the fake ones. because that's real life.

that last one i threw in because you can really see everything.

i do like a clean and tidy house- don't get me wrong. a lot of nights my apartment does look the the first set of pictures. but that's only when both the kids are sleeping and i've done all the work to put everything back in it's place.

but some nights, usually after a few nights and days of being really on top of things, i settle my butt into the couch and take in the mess. i take it in as my own and as a sign that a lot of playing, learning, and loving went on that day.

and a lot of laundry. always a lot of laundry.

WHAT UP SPIT-UP.

i actually wrote this a while back, but it still rings true. and i still loathe spit-up.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

if this blog is the only thing that gets me through the stage of infancy - so be it.

yesterday i washed and folded four loads of laundry, three quilts, stripped and washed three beds, washed and hung a load of 14 cloth diapers, and changed my shirt six times. and that...is a normal day.

i almost don't want to be friends with people who have babies that don't spit up. i almost don't want to think that those type of babies even exist. it's almost more than i can handle to think that there are mothers and fathers and babies who aren't drenched in white acidic liquid 24/7. i don't even want to think about babies who can fall asleep after eating. that will just make me cry. because if i did that my babies wake up screaming in a pool of their own spit-up. it's all over their face, up their nose, in their hair and ears.

the people who have babies who don't spit up must be the ones who go around saying that babies don't need to be bathed but once a week. not my babies. if i could figure out the logistics, i'd bathe them twice a day. it's THAT bad.

i love blogs that talk about the only kind of baby i can imagine (here & here are a couple). the spit-up soaked smiling reflux babies. that's my crew.

and that's the end of my rant. i've cried a lot today. BUT...

1) i successfully took my two babies to church today. alone. i got them both in the car (jacob spitting up in his car seat before i even have the straps clicked together-we had to purchase new straps after rorie did a number on the first pair). i planned to drive around and give jacob a good nap before we rolled into church. which worked. we road around looking at the turning leaves. i stopped to get gas ($0.20 off!) and rorie cried about having to go to the nursery without me. because we have tried going to church four times before this and she made it all of ten minutes before she was overcome with tears. the ugly crying.

so i chanced it. i took both of them to church alone. rorie stayed the whole time in the nursery. i'm going to say it again. rorie stayed the whole time in the nursery. i couldn't believe it. i still can't.

and jacob ate and napped again in the ergo. and i heard a sermon. praise the lord. and i'm still unable to fathom how that happened...

2) my afternoon and night of crying were made good after running into rorie's room before she fell asleep and apologizing for the crying and yelling and overall ugliness that was her mother that day. and there were lots of i love yous breathed into words. (and then i'm in her room telling her to stay in her bed...right as i'm typing this. of course. i still apologized and that's what matters).

3) these two...

THE PRICE OF LIQUID GOLD.

i've debated even writing about this...or even continuing to write on this blog. i know it's important to share our experiences. and i love looking back on posts and remembering how i felt and breathing life into our family pictures through text. but it's hard to write about the tough stuff. i think it's so hard because there's a part of you that has to officially deal with what you went through when you write it down. so here's what we've been going through and the tough decisions we've had to make.

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i just want to scream. "why is this so hard?!" i just want to feed him. he's my second baby. the one who was supposed to be my fresh start. when it comes to breast feeding, that is.

and that's when i know it's time to stop. when i start screaming. both in my head and out loud. when i'm crying because i can't believe this is happening again. 

and painfully and wearily, i surrender my god given ability to lactate for the second time.

feeding him was a constant struggle. both on his part and mine. we both hated it. a feeding did not equal a happy baby. it meant painful burps and lots of crying. both him and me. it hurt me physically and mentally. we visited everyone under the sun to try and fix our breast feeding. he just never got it right. he still doesn't suck right on a pacifier or a bottle. so i know that's part of the problem.

when we started giving him a formula marketed as "supplementing while breast feeding" i thought, "i can do this. i can be an exclusive pumper. 

and I could have. that's a reality i could have chosen.

i lived that reality for two weeks. and that's why i'm not doing it.

i watched myself be hooked up to a noisy machine that dripped out liquid gold. as all gold goes, it came at a price. two weeks in and i was not myself. i couldn't create enough liquid gold to satisfy my little one. i was spending no time with my children. even less time with my husband. i wasn't sleeping. night shift and pumping don't really mix. i was all around hating life while "trying" to do the best for my baby.

i watched myself place my two year old in front of the tv for hours on end- daily. i watched myself tell her "no" and "hold on" and "wait" more than i ever have in her short two years of life. i watched myself yell and scream and cry in frustration as my doe eyed two year old stroked my hair and held my face saying, "it's ok mama". i watched myself lay my baby on the floor with toys or in a swing more often than i picked him up.

all for the sake of breast milk... 

because "breast is best". 

at least that's what they say.

we fed him formula... two oz... the amount i was able to pump. he screamed until he had two more. he was happier than he had ever been. and then proceeded to sleep very well. i had been starving yet another one of my children.

he's so much happier now. like a different baby. and he's grown quite a bit! he still spits up. my dad was a spitter. i was a spitter. my children are both spitters. like i've said before, they get my best qualities. 

once, when aaron was feeding him he spit up for the second time that bottle. aaron told him, "dude, you're wasting our money". 

i heard it and instantly said, "i'd rather waste our money than our time."

and that was that. the peace of knowing that this was what we were destined to do. again. use the dreaded formula. 

but you know what? there's a lot of people out there who give there all to create this liquid gold that's become even more precious to me than it's predecessor. it now sustains and sustained both my babies. sure, it's a big business trying to snag all our money. when i see a big business of moms who's sole career is to make milk for the masses...i'll believe the saying, "breast is best" wholeheartedly. until then... we're relying on the dreaded formula and a donation of breast milk from a coworker sent from heaven.

you know what is best? plain and simple feeding your baby. you feed them... and you are doing what is best for them and for you. 

don't break it down more than that. ever. because it only creates fear and disappointment if you tell me what I'm doing is second best. because it's not.

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now here i am... not even a week into our decision. not officially dried up yet, but getting there. i am so happy. the happiest i've been since jacob entered out family. i feed my baby. it's calm and wonderful to do it. he burps beautifully. it's a great bonding experience now. no longer a fight. when i'm not feeding him i'm playing with him. and he's the cutest. his smiles melt me. his laughter makes me want to cry it's so wonderful. and rorie and i can play and spend time together again. i can focus on her. i can't believe i made these wonderful souls.

and let me tell you... that last paragraph... that's worth all the formula in the world.





and yes... gilmore girls is on the tv. we made grilled dark chocolate peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and watched my favorite show. rorie was enthralled. so obviously i'm the happiest mama in the world.

DEAR JACOB.

dear jacob,

you are the sweetest thing at three months old. it's to fun to watch your dark blue eyes follow your spirited sister around the room. it's like you've completely forgot that she stared down on you on the floor...just a month ago...with a twinkle in her eye, and proceeded to step on you. yeah, that happened.

oh, sweet boy. the way you get bashful and grin bringing your tiny fists to your face. you spin in a circle, kick yourself across the room, and flip yourself over both ways. how quickly you have strengthened your tiny body. how dedicated you are to mastering your hands. *spoiler alert* you have feet too! two of 'em! no worries...wait another month and you'll find them.

and in all of the goodness that you are there is so much we are trying to deal with. 

number one: not a big fan of the head-butt to my chin. that needs to stop. as well as digging your tiny fingers into my skin and pulling my hair. i know you're strong, kid. but stronger people know how to LET GO. haven't we watched enough frozen to figure that out?

you're just not breastfeeding like a champ. you're just not. some feedings you rock. other times it's like you're trying to off me via breastfeeding. we've seen doctors, lactation consultants, and combed through the internet. i can't figure it out. so we've added pumping to the mix. just for fun. especially when you do a nice "long" 4 hour stretch at night only to follow it up with some 1.5-2 hour sleep sprints. and finding time to pump and sleep while all that happens. for the record- pumping completely wakes a girl up. and then one night i decided to take the paci away to see if that helped. i am alive to tell the tale, but it was an ugly day and night. it was so ugly. snot-nosed crying ugly. crying through your soul ugly. you have your paci back. and we are both not crying anymore.

trying to figure out pumping with putting you to sleep for naps and helping pull-down pants for potty training and making snacks and in general keeping you and your sister alive...is not very easy. i know, it sounds like i'm such a wimp. so easy, right? 

i'm also just a tad tired because you don't like caffeine. thank you so much for that, sweet boy. makes life so much easier. i should have expected this though...i do not tolerate caffeine in large amounts. excedrin gets me hyper. why do all my most annoying traits get passed on to my babies?!

and if i could just continue to whine for a little bit...my whole body aches. i have done no exercise in a long time. holding you is hard. and you like to be held a lot (i love you for that). my calves ache from bouncing you to sleep. my poor old knees (i'm only 26!) ache from the weird rocking we have to do to get you to doze off. my thighs burn because sometimes you don't like the weird rocking, you like a solid squat to put you to sleep. and my fingers hurt because you gnaw on them and i'm constantly disciplining your sister (insert finger wave here).

i muttered to your dad during the ugly day, "i thought he would be easier"... and i'm laughing at myself now for even thinking that. thank you, jacob kian. thank you for breaking down my preconceived notions of you. i thought we'd been put through the ringer with roro. i'm coming to realize that there is always going to be something hard because you are always so much stronger than you think.

i will continue on trying to be only the best mama for you...and you, my son... i can only dream of what you will do.

THE GOOD, THE BAD, & THE UGLY.

THE GOOD:

baby boy smiles all the time. and everyday i'm so thankful that he's not sick like rorie was. he only fusses if he has a bubble or needs to eat or sleep. other than that he's smiling at everything. which includes smiling at absolutely nothing (so weird...why do babies do that?) and now he's full blown talking and having conversations. he's also super active and very strong, just like his sister. moving like crazy. almost figured out rolling over onto his back...eating his hands constantly. he gets super smiley and then bashful, which is the cutest thing ever! i'm already proud of the little man we created.

as a family, the summer has been great. lots of family and friends. LOTS. lots of traveling for us. a bit of relaxation at camp and touisset. it was just great. we are slowly getting into the swing of things at home and making new routines and grooves. hoping to make some friends and maybe get out more?

baby girl had a fantastic summer. and it ended with her paci's being taken away from her cold turkey. day one there was screaming and crying at nap and bed. day two and beyond... nada. really glad that it wasn't a big to-do. she will proudly tell you that there are "no pacis in MY bed".

aaron and i are not as tired as we were two months ago. (but we are still tired. see the "ugly" section).

rorie says "arts and craftses".

baby girl has almost 100% potty trained herself. she decided to do this the week we went to camp (so fun! nope not at all)...and we haven't really looked back. she also often sleeps dry at nap and overnight. not sure how that happened, but i'll take it.

baby boy is growing like crazy pants! having our first baby not put on any weight was rough, so every morning when i pick him up i am amazed at how heavy he is! and long! he's not a chunker, but he's very tall and has filled in quite nicely. i think he's around 13 pounds? rorie hit that mark around 7 month... and that's just crazy to me.

my last visitor is here: my bro bro, sam. and i love every minute of his existence in my life.

photo by Kelsey Stevens Photography.

THE BAD:

we've had three bats in our apartment. not cool. i captured one. aaron the next. and the third... i called 911. seriously. i'm home alone at 2:30am with two kids. my two year old wakes up right after i feed and get the two month old back to sleep. i walk to her room and the third bat is swooping in the living room right outside her room. i race through the door and i'm pretty sure i yelled "crap". but i can't really be sure because my adrenaline was pumping at that point. rorie was crying about wanting milk? she never gets milk in her bed... but she has a water bottle, so i gave that to her and left- hoping it would do. i ran to my room to put my figurative big-girl pants on and a hoodie to protect my head. ran back to the living room and balled up a blanket and began swinging. by the third bad i no longer wanted to let it free outside. i wanted to kill it. long story short. i became unbearably exhausted and i didn't know what to do. i just knew the bat needed to go. i called the only people i knew would come to my rescue no matter how silly it was- the police. and the nice policeman saved the day just in time for jacob to wake up again to eat and then not go back to sleep. i was very tired the next day.

jacob is sensitive to caffeine. enough said.

THE UGLY:

i absolutely hated saying goodbye to my mom, dad, and gracie this summer. for some reason i've been ugly crying like my first semester in college. i miss them so much. trying to pull myself together, but also letting myself be sad... because it means i love them so much (:

my children are on opposite schedules. the days and nights i'm alone with both of them are very hard, but it can only get better right? i mean, "going to bed" at 9pm, getting up almost every hour some nights, and always starting the day at 4am doesn't really make for an easy start to the next "day"... lets be real. there are no days. it's one continuous day that hasn't stopped yet. my two have a nice nap together in the afternoon that seems like it's pretty consistent, but after that they are on total opposites and i feel like i'm a chicken with it's head cut off (plus i'm watching game of thrones and now i'm picturing lots of severed heads. people's. not chickens. yuck). so my day usually begins at 4am. that's when #2 wants to eat and become unburpable. literally has unending burps. which means he won't go back to sleep until 5:30am. which is when i can finally change my probably soaked from spit-up pjs, pee, wash my hands, lay down, pull the covers up, and listen to rorie yell to me that she's awake from the monitor. see how it doesn't end? i think they're testing me.

thrush. if you don't know what it is you can read about it here. i'm putting this in the "ugly" section of this post because it was ugly and long lasting and really tested my limits as not only a mother, but a human being. it absolutely sucked. jacob and i battled it together for a whole entire month...and it can and might come back. which sucks again. right now i don't think we have it, so it could go in the "good" section. but i'm still mad about it, so it's staying here.



and there you have it... the good, the bad, & the ugly with two kids during the summer of 2014.

and i just noticed photos of our cats are in the right side bar...yeah... they are still alive.

SO SOUNDLY I ENVY HIM.

i'm at home alone with him. my husband has taken my littlest sister and daughter to barbecue, or "bar-ba-qwee-yoo"... as my almost-two year old says. that's what she'll tell you if you ask her. how old she is, i mean, " almost two." like she's actually "almost twelve".

i'm home alone with him. i fed him right before they left and he squirmed and burped and spit up until his tiny body succumbed to the drowsy look in his dark blue eyes. i wrapped him in a swaddler and put him in his tiny crib. it's chilly out today, so i draped his knit blankie over his torso and legs. they are beginning to fatten up. ever so slowly, but it's happening.

i'm home alone with him. he's been sleeping in his crib since they left. it might have been an hour? i'm not sure because i'm having a hard time leaving him alone. he's been sleeping peacefully the whole time. but i'm scared to leave him. scared that he will spit up and choke. scared that it will burn his little throat. it's brand new... i just made it from scratch. scared that he won't be able to sleep because he's in pain.

i'm scared because his sister's suffering as an infant has left scars on my heart and mind. and i'm terrified he will have to go through the same thing. our first time alone with him in the hospital he started to choke.  we hadn't had him more than half an hour. his face turned red and he became rigid. his small, limp baby neck bulged with all the muscle and veins he had in him as he fought for a breath. my husband patted his back, turned him upside-down for an infant heimlich. he tried to save him, but nothing was working. he sprinted into the hallway with our purple faced son. i had pressed the call button before he ran out, but then i sat there. empty from birth in an empty room. not knowing if my baby was ok or not.

ultimately he was fine. they told me he was born so quickly that he didn't get a big squeeze like other babies do. "the squeeze" helps the liquid and mucus in their body get pushed out. his was still lingering in his body causing havoc. he spent the night in the nursery that night. just in case he choked again. he didn't. it took a few days, but he eventually cleared himself out.

he's been sleeping this whole time.

yes, he spits up and chokes a bit sometimes... but he's brand new. still getting the hang of this thing called life. he hasn't choked like the hospital since the hospital. he sleeps so soundly that I envy him. he eats like a champ. we have nothing to worry about (so far) with our boy. i'm sure it will take time before i stop checking if he's breathing. before i feel comfortable letting him nap behind a closed door. but for now, i'll sit here and watch my baby's chest rise and fall with the sound of rain as i delve into a new book and wait for my firstborn to come crashing home in all her toddler glory. 

OUR 1ST TWO WEEKS WITH JAKE.

these past two weeks have just been full of emotion...

the fear of realizing i was in labor and it was happening.
the joy of pregnancy being over and my baby being slopped onto my chest.
the pride in my husband after seeing how quickly our son entered the world.
the excitement of showing rorie her new brother.
the extreme tired and soreness that quickly sets in after birth.
the fear of jacob not breathing or not gaining weight (he's fine...no worries).
the love of my support system of visitors while recovering.
the happiness of being able to hug rorie straight on (gosh i missed that!).
the cheerful "look it's jacob!" we hear from rorie daily.

...to name a few.

most people tell you that the days go by slow, but the years go by quickly. while this may seem to be true, i feel like i have fought for each day i've had with both my babies. each day i learn something new and each day i'm more equipped to handle what i'm given. i'm truly getting better and better at soaking up the sweet moments and not letting them slip by unnoticed or unappreciated. her ever growing torso and his thighs beginning to chunk up. the way she memorizes a song in a day and how he snorts when he's unhappy. these keep me going when i'm exhausted.

after having jacob i realize how unprepared we were to have rorie. i am thankful for the strength we have now since enduring rorie's first traumatic year of life. i am so thankful that rorie is now a big, happy, healthy girl. for a while there it was touch and go. we know so much more about sleep patterns, growth spurts, breastfeeding, baby-wearing, car seat safety, cloth diapers, allergies and formula to name a few.

we have a uniquely positive outlook on life, babies, hardships, and our own relationship. it has made this second step into parenting a lot smoother and full of more love than we ever thought possible.

here's to our new life as a family of four. thank you jacob, for being born to us.

A NOTE TO MY DAUGHTER.

dearest, sweetest,  rorie gwendolyn.

i'd like you to know how hard we are working, your dad and i. it's really difficult to try and be an adult when your whole life you've been so well taken care of by the adults around you. and when things keep getting out of hand in the most insane of ways. like sicknesses and jobs that work us too hard. like arguing with family and moving half way across the country. like traveling all over the world and trying to sleep when we miss your presence so much. it's really hard, baby girl. but we do it all because we love you so much. more than we could ever, ever imagine or understand.

 

right now we are waiting on your brother's arrival. each night i go to sleep wondering if he will make his arrival. but each morning i wake up and he's still in my tummy. and that means it's another day we get to have with just you. and that is just as sweet and worth every minute of being pregnant for longer.

do you know how much you've taught me? do you know how much we've learned together? do you know how much fun we have every day? you might not... you're two months away from being two years old and it's definitely showing. you are extremely vocal and we can understand each other a lot. but we're starting to butt heads. you like to scream now. it's a frustrated scream most of the time, which i can understand. your body and mind are changing faster than you can keep up with. i get it. i just don't particularly like when you do it when you're looking at me with that little twinkle in your eye which tells me you're doing it on purpose. that's slightly annoying.

you're also starting to get really good at manipulation. your daddy and i like to think that parenting is "the art of distraction". we can usually snap you out of a fit with a change of topic like, "look at this flower" or "look at elle!" you are also very good at this, "rorie, what color is this?" "ooooh, yook at the trees!" you can change a topic faster than we can. touche my love, touche.

speaking of manipulation. i can't forget to mention your eyes. frequently, i'll tell you, "look at me" when i'm trying to talk to you about your previous behavior in a situation. usually, you look at me... we talk about it... and we remind ourselves that's not how we behave in this house. but sometimes... and usually with your daddy... we will say, "look at me" and you will make your blue eyes as big as they can be, tilt your chin down so your gazing at us in the creepiest way, and slowly move your face towards ours, without breaking the stare, until your forehead it touching ours...and then continue to stare with those huge blue eyes. knowing that you have the most upper of upper hands.

now, i can usually stop this before it happens, because i'm very used to your antics and mama don't play games... but you have your daddy wrapped around your tiny finger. you know that if you do that he's not going to be able to keep a straight face and whatever he was going to talk about is history. that art of distraction... you've learned it, too! oh he tries, he tries so very hard to keep it together. but his laughter burst through his mouth before he can stop . it's the most adorable thing for a mother to watch, but also the most annoying... because bad cop here has to finish the job. (in his defense, he's totally getting better at this. and you are losing your power- sorry girl).

we could have a few more weeks with just you, or a couple days, or i could click publish and it would be go time. and both of our lives will change forever. you will have a brother and i will have a son. and it will never be just you and me. i'm kind of sad about this, because i have loved being your mother. i have loved giving you all my attention.

but you are meant to be a big sister, just as i was. this is something that only you and i will share in our family. we are the big sisters. we take care of each other in a unique way. we are alike in a unique way. and that is something i am so grateful for. and i'm excited to watch you grow on this journey.

so here's to you. my first baby. my daughter. my almost big sister.

cheers.

2014 & BOOKS.

ugh. this week... it seriously was not my week. not my finest mama or wife moments. i think i've been an ok friend, sister, and daughter... so at least i have that going for me. i thought on monday we would finally be over jet lag. i was completely wrong and then some. i've had a relentless headache. a toddler who sounds like sick monica on friends (she's actually better as of yesterday, but still... it was uncalled for). a body that seems to be turning against me each day (pregnancy is the best!). and then aaron was summoned and chosen for jury duty, so we haven't seen him at all this whole week. and he was asked to work on saturday. blah. go away.

anyways, i've been thinking about things i want to do a little differently this year. not quite resolutions, because i'm really not a new years girl. lets be real... it's almost february and i'm talking about resolutions. but there have been some things that have weighed heavy on my heart to do differently in this new year. i thought i'd share them with you:

1. Budget like it's my job.
i have had a budget ever since i was in college. a nice little neat excel sheet which i would input my earnings and track my spending. we've carried over the system since getting married, but since having a baby it's been more on the back burner than something we've spent careful time on. it's still there, but we want to be invested in it and really stay on top of it as a couple.

2. Learn how to cook a whole chicken and use all it's parts.
i have yet to do this in my life. mostly because raw meat really freaks me out. i could be considered a vegetarian. sometimes i just don't make anything with meat because i don't want to deal with it. aaron has to remind me to get meat a lot. and when i do... it's usually chicken breasts. no bones. them bones freak me out. but really is this beneficial to my grocery budget? i don't know... but i think it would be useful and cheaper to cook a whole chicken and use it up. plus make broth... that is something i know how to do. but i usually do it with a rotisserie chicken. it's time to step it up. i'm going to be a mama of two (ha! to be fair that's not actually a legit reason... but i'll go with it).

3. Spend more time reading than watching tv.
i really love tv. i love whole seasons of shows on netflix. and i love to watch every single episode right away. i'm not going to give that up, because when i good show is made i fully believe it should be savored and watched and shared by as many people as possible. it's an art! but when i had morning sickness, and then just sickness, and then international travel, and more sickness, and then jet lag, and even more sickness... the netflix looks real good. and arthur is on at 4pm which is right after ellen at 3. and you get my picture. it's ok to savor the tv show when sick, but i want to make sure rorie sees mama reading and not just watching tv. she already loves to read and i really want to foster that behavior in her and in myself... because i love to read too! or at least i used to. which is something i want to change. instead of watching a show during my down time i want to read a bit more. i'm currently reading bread & wine. happy face. i plan on re-reading cold tangerines, frankenstein, and the time traveler's wife.

4. Make more homemade meals and snacks
i've only been back for a bit, but i have successfully planned out and executed this whole week's meal plan. it really only included dinners, so snacks are still on the to-do list. this week i made: whatever-you-got vegetable soup, slow cooker chicken tortilla soup, chicken pasta florentine, and slow cooker spaghetti squash and meatballs (currently cooking as i type). not too shabby. and i've already planned out the shopping list and meal plan for next week. go me! but, seriously... can i keep this up?!

5. Buy less. Buy used. Save more. Live with less.
we were in major survival mode with the first year of rorie's life. and looking back i seriously don't blame us. we bought a lot of things on impulse, tried to solve a lot of problems with merchandise (most problems just take time, people!), and ate a lot of take-out and delivery. but now i have some experience with a newborn with issues, so i hope we are a little more equipped to deal with a baby again. i've been going through our apartment for a while now and donating all the stuff we haven't used in the past 4 years. which is a lot of stuff. there's a place for almost everything in our tiny apartment and i'm really glad. it helps me breathe easier and it's a lot easier to put stuff away when there's a place for it. aka- toys. so that's one thing that i won't have to worry about with baby jacob. in our preparations for him, i've been looking to buy a lot of the things we need used. and i've been finding things! it's so great! my wallet is like, "hallelujah, sister!" (maybe i have a very southern baptist wallet- you don't know). so, in our attempts to buy used we hope to save more and essentially live with less. i think we are well on our way.

what do you want to do differently this year?

AND NOW WE HAVE CONQUERED OVERSEAS TRAVEL.

we are definitely not in thailand anymore. i'm currently making vegetable broth on the stove, have enjoyed a cup of tea from our new keurig vue, and am watching the snow fall outside my window as my toddler takes a nap.

is this real life? i can tell you that i've been asking myself that question a lot the past few days. rorie and i arrived back in chicago on tuesday. we didn't leave the apartment or see another human soul (other than aaron) until friday. jet lag is a tough pill to swallow- especially as a mother of a 1.5 year old.

it seems that we have come to a turning point and i'm hoping that by the end of the weekend we will be fully back on chicago time. fingers crossed. rorie has also decided that it's time for only one nap a day, which i'm totally on board with, but it's thrown a wrench in our attempt to acclimate back to CST.

our trip back was highly eventful in a horrible, you-must-be-joking, i-can't-believe-this-is-happening, i'm-not-going-to-make-it-out-alive way. it was a pretty simple trip. leave bangkok around 1 am. stay on a plane for 12 hours. get off in stockholm. do something for 3.4 hours. get on another plane for 10 hours. arrive safety back in chicago. and really, that's exactly how it went... except for the whole, rorie's complete inability to sleep in a car seat (she gets this from me and i am eternally sad for her-and us).

first flight- 

rorie has a window seat and i am next to her. a father of two is next to me in the aisle seat and sleeps the whole time (bless his soul). i try to keep rorie's attention with stickers, books, and a plethora of newly downloaded curious george episodes on our new ipad (it was a lifesaver). but every 30 minutes or so, we have to get up. i have to pee and she needs to walk around. mind you- it's the middle of our freaking night. so we pace up and down the two aisles. past the other 5-6 babies sleeping soundly on their mothers. i almost cried. i really wanted to... because i was so tired already. and we had 9 hours to go still.

when rorie sleeps on a plane it's very consistent: put up a fight, slowly drift off, jump and wake herself up, cry because she didn't want to jump and wake up, suck on her paci and fall back to sleep for 15-20 minutes, wake up screaming bloody murder, and possibly fall back asleep, but usually not. it's horrible. especially the screaming part. i feel sorry for her and for the people on the plane. but what could i do? rorie is a mover. she moves in her sleep, she changes positions constantly, she is an active sleeper (again, this horrible trait i can only call my own). if she's strapped into a car seat she's unable to move into a comfortable position and continue sleeping. i totally understand why she can't sleep.

the lady behind me did not understand.

she loudly "shushed" rorie every time she woke up upset (because that's super helpful). she grumbled about my crying baby loud enough so that i could hear. then she had the nerve, right when i knew rorie had had enough and needed to sleep (and was putting herself to sleep the way only she does), to loudly and angrily confront me about how i should do something to stop my child from annoying the entire plane. i gave her a piece of my fragile and exhausted mind and then proceeded to sit in my chair imagining how i would physically hurt her if she got in my face again (i know- i'm super mature).

second flight-

no, there was no lady on my second flight... but it was still no fun. i think rorie had slept a total of 2 hours on the 12 hour plane ride. it is an understatement to say that she was tired. she was in a world of her own. she was not awake or asleep. she was existing. which resulted in her waking her self up after 10 minutes of sleep and screaming inconsolably for an hour and a half. maybe more. i totally checked out too. it was bad. but we somehow landed in chicago and aaron took us home.

i'm going to be bold and say that i feel much stronger than the average mother after completing this month long journey with my daughter. just bringing her into the world was a marathon in itself. the first half of her life was a struggle to live and survive. and now we have conquered overseas travel. and rorie was sick for half of our trip if not all of it. and after all of it... i would still suggest to every family... to travel overseas. and if not that- take long car trips. just travel as a family. it really strengthens you as parents. it pushes your limits and tests your boundaries- which i think is a very good thing for parents and family units. it gives you new experiences and unique perspectives that you would be unable to have if you never traveled.

so go out there! explore the world!

REFLECTIONS.

we went to a halloween party on saturday and she picked up a little cold, so we have been staying inside, watching a few movies, playing with every toy we own, drinking lots of fluids, and taking steamy showers. you really wouldn't know she was sick- the drooling and faucet of a nose tips her off, but other than that... you wouldn't know. aaron and i know she's sick, because we no longer sleep at night. but she cuddles more- so i'm not totally mad.

i am reminded of where we were last year about this time. we were in such a different place. mentally & physically. rorie was three and a half months old. we were still such novice parents. we didn't know what we were doing. we were so sleep deprived- both us and rorie. it was a time of turmoil for our family. rorie had horrible acid reflux. we had just been told about about milk-protein intolerance. our baby was growing taller, but gaining no weight. when i look back at the pictures of her first three months it's incredible how sick she looks. it makes me feel sad that we didn't know about the answers until it was too late. baby girl was diagnosed as failure-to-thrive. it's such a hard thing to hear as a new mom. especially hard when i wasn't yet healed myself from birthing her into the world. mama and baby were so sick. we were barely surviving, but we were- surviving. i credit a lot of our success to aaron and my mom. always there for me and rorie. never letting us hit rock bottom. and then, around this time last year, baby girl spent a few days in the hospital with an eye infection that "children don't get" (direct quote from our ER doctor). we all came out ok. we survived.

and if you click on the links and look back at the pictures of my tiny sick baby... you'll see quite a difference from then to now. i took these pictures two days ago when the light was just right. little miss was sitting at the table eating dinner. i am amazed with the daughter we have been given. she's just the most wonderful thing and we have gotten through a lot together. i want everyone to meet her because she will make you feel so good about life. and she will make you smile. and she'll probably wrap her tiny little hands around your neck and pull you in for a nice long hug. because that's just how she rolls. i love you, my baby girl.