PREPARING A MOTHER WITH THE NEGATIVES.

 

"get your sleep now... you'll never sleep again"

i have probably said this and a million other negative things to a mom-to-be. i'm sure a lot of us "seasoned" mothers can say the same thing. i'm talking about the negativity in preparing a new mother for what is about to come. so let's talk about it.

an old friend of mine is completely fed up with the negative remarks about what's to come. she's nine months pregnant and fed up with being pregnant. (been there!) who needs more things to be fed up about?!? yet she keeps getting reminded of "things to get ready for".  something along the lines of, "you might not even love him at first," is the straw that broke the camel's back today.

and she has a right to be frustrated. she loves her baby already. why would anyone tell her that?! there's already so many reasons to be nervous. too much time to imagine the worst. i agree. but i also feel like the negatives are needed almost more than the positives. hear me out...

you are unable to control the child you bear from the get go. sperm meet egg. parents- you've now lost all control... you've made an individual. you can't control when they kick, when they decide to be born, if they like to be held, when bedtime really is, if they will pee when you open that diaper... and it's tough. the majority of us love to be in control. i looooooove to be in control. i can't decide if my babies will gain weight, or if they need to be held to stay asleep, or if they have an aversion to any and every brand of pacifier. no, you can't control this stuff. 

but, what you can control is your education of the possible things that you might have to deal with. and that's where those unsolicited negative comments about your life post birth might actually come in handy. although, they may seem just horrible and unimaginable at the time...and you may think... "this will never be me" or "i would never do that" or "it can't be that bad"... maybe there's a reason they're telling you all the horrible, terribly things before you pop. 

i can't help but think of it this way when i think about the statement that shocked my friend and all other seemingly negative comments given to new mothers: mothers might be saying these things because their baby shocked their preconceived views on motherhood. theses mothers are trying to prepare you from the hurt, the embarrassment, the pain, the stress, the heartache they experienced. things that they wished someone had told them. they wished they weren't blind-sighted by. they are telling you, "this might happen...and it's ok. it's normal. be prepared- unlike me."

it's ok if you don't have an instant love connection with your baby. i didn't tell rorie or realized i loved rorie until she was almost two weeks old. i cried at old orchard mall when i realized that i had never told her that outside of the womb. life had been turned upside after she was born. i couldn't catch up with anything. i didn't know that this could happen. i didn't know it would be THAT hard. no one told me this could happen. had they... i might have breathed a little easier. and realized it wasn't a big deal. 

so... to all the soon-to-be mothers out there. don't be put down by negative comments. the "just wait until..." stories. the "you'll see" remarks. the "don't expect.... bla bla bla". just don't. you're being educated on the spectrum of normalcy when it comes to infants, toddlers, children, teenagers, etc. your are being saved from the unknown! you've been given great knowledge and an opportunity to ask how that particular mother handled their situation. soak it all in like a sponge. stick it in your holster for back-up. you need all the information you can get.

and you've got this. 

you've got this. 

you've got this.

[photos: jakey, jakey, roro]

SO SOUNDLY I ENVY HIM.

i'm at home alone with him. my husband has taken my littlest sister and daughter to barbecue, or "bar-ba-qwee-yoo"... as my almost-two year old says. that's what she'll tell you if you ask her. how old she is, i mean, " almost two." like she's actually "almost twelve".

i'm home alone with him. i fed him right before they left and he squirmed and burped and spit up until his tiny body succumbed to the drowsy look in his dark blue eyes. i wrapped him in a swaddler and put him in his tiny crib. it's chilly out today, so i draped his knit blankie over his torso and legs. they are beginning to fatten up. ever so slowly, but it's happening.

i'm home alone with him. he's been sleeping in his crib since they left. it might have been an hour? i'm not sure because i'm having a hard time leaving him alone. he's been sleeping peacefully the whole time. but i'm scared to leave him. scared that he will spit up and choke. scared that it will burn his little throat. it's brand new... i just made it from scratch. scared that he won't be able to sleep because he's in pain.

i'm scared because his sister's suffering as an infant has left scars on my heart and mind. and i'm terrified he will have to go through the same thing. our first time alone with him in the hospital he started to choke.  we hadn't had him more than half an hour. his face turned red and he became rigid. his small, limp baby neck bulged with all the muscle and veins he had in him as he fought for a breath. my husband patted his back, turned him upside-down for an infant heimlich. he tried to save him, but nothing was working. he sprinted into the hallway with our purple faced son. i had pressed the call button before he ran out, but then i sat there. empty from birth in an empty room. not knowing if my baby was ok or not.

ultimately he was fine. they told me he was born so quickly that he didn't get a big squeeze like other babies do. "the squeeze" helps the liquid and mucus in their body get pushed out. his was still lingering in his body causing havoc. he spent the night in the nursery that night. just in case he choked again. he didn't. it took a few days, but he eventually cleared himself out.

he's been sleeping this whole time.

yes, he spits up and chokes a bit sometimes... but he's brand new. still getting the hang of this thing called life. he hasn't choked like the hospital since the hospital. he sleeps so soundly that I envy him. he eats like a champ. we have nothing to worry about (so far) with our boy. i'm sure it will take time before i stop checking if he's breathing. before i feel comfortable letting him nap behind a closed door. but for now, i'll sit here and watch my baby's chest rise and fall with the sound of rain as i delve into a new book and wait for my firstborn to come crashing home in all her toddler glory. 

OUR 1ST TWO WEEKS WITH JAKE.

these past two weeks have just been full of emotion...

the fear of realizing i was in labor and it was happening.
the joy of pregnancy being over and my baby being slopped onto my chest.
the pride in my husband after seeing how quickly our son entered the world.
the excitement of showing rorie her new brother.
the extreme tired and soreness that quickly sets in after birth.
the fear of jacob not breathing or not gaining weight (he's fine...no worries).
the love of my support system of visitors while recovering.
the happiness of being able to hug rorie straight on (gosh i missed that!).
the cheerful "look it's jacob!" we hear from rorie daily.

...to name a few.

most people tell you that the days go by slow, but the years go by quickly. while this may seem to be true, i feel like i have fought for each day i've had with both my babies. each day i learn something new and each day i'm more equipped to handle what i'm given. i'm truly getting better and better at soaking up the sweet moments and not letting them slip by unnoticed or unappreciated. her ever growing torso and his thighs beginning to chunk up. the way she memorizes a song in a day and how he snorts when he's unhappy. these keep me going when i'm exhausted.

after having jacob i realize how unprepared we were to have rorie. i am thankful for the strength we have now since enduring rorie's first traumatic year of life. i am so thankful that rorie is now a big, happy, healthy girl. for a while there it was touch and go. we know so much more about sleep patterns, growth spurts, breastfeeding, baby-wearing, car seat safety, cloth diapers, allergies and formula to name a few.

we have a uniquely positive outlook on life, babies, hardships, and our own relationship. it has made this second step into parenting a lot smoother and full of more love than we ever thought possible.

here's to our new life as a family of four. thank you jacob, for being born to us.

PREPARING FOR BABY #2.

preparing for my #2 is a little different than with my #1. i have a frame of reference. i know what i like and what i don't. i know what gadgets make life a little easier and what is just a waste of an idea. and we just moved almost half way across the country. it makes preparing a little harder.

so i've come up with just a few things we'll need in preparation for baby jake's arrival:

vue cups: we got a brand new keurig for christmas this year. and it's the next up and coming thing for the company. they use vue cups instead of k-cups. it's actually nice. you can get bigger, stronger, and iced drinks and part of the cup is recyclable. i really hope they end up switching most of their machines to this system... because i think it's much more clever. i like all the teas and aaron's a fan of the caribou coffees. haven't tried the latte option yet, but i know he wants to.

muslin blankets: i only had a couple muslin blankets when rorie was born. we mostly had swaddling blankets- which i conveniently turned into cloth wipes. they shrunk in the wash and didn't really keep her swaddled well. enter the aden & anais muslin blankets. jaw drops at their awesomeness. they're big, soft, beautiful, and do. their. job. which is really the only thing i ask a baby product to do. i want to get this set and this set.

swaddle sacks: we absolutely loved the swaddlers we bought rorie. it literally helped her sleep well. we did a fantastic double-swaddle with the muslin blankets and the swaddle sack. absolute perfection. until she started rolling herself over while swaddled (and that was the end of the swaddle). since we had to blow our money on formula we don't have many. it will be wonderful to have a few more of these.

cloth diapers: we are still cloth diapering rorie and i'm very excited to keep doing it with jake. we have a few newborn cloth diapers that i didn't have with rorie so we can start from birth. we love bum genius 4.0s and are probably going to need a few more (and probably some more detergent). i don't foresee rorie being potty trained by the time we have the new baby. that's just a lot for mama & daddy & baby girl to handle. so more cloth diapers it is! i'm thinking of greens, reds, and blues for colors. what do you think?

bamboobies: i plan on nursing til i'm an old lady. breastfeeding didn't go as planned with rorie, but i've armed myself with knowledge and a bit of experience this time. i'm seriously in such a different spot education wise when it comes to breastfeeding and the problems that may arise. along with that... i know that i'll leak and need a quality pad to keep myself sane. i love, love, love bamboobies and plan have enough of a stash to keep myself sane.

crib sheets: we picked up a used mini crib that matches rorie's crib. it's really cute and it's a good investment for our family down the line. rorie will be in a crib until she can't fit in one anymore... that's just a guess, but i really believe it. and i'm  totally down with that. but little man will need a place to sleep too (i'm not equipped to co-sleep one bit- mama just can't get any sleep that way). so we're going to need some sheets. i think i want to make my own- since it's a mini-crib the sheets seem to be very expensive. lame. i've picked out three different fabrics. here, here, and here. if i've learned anything...it's to have 3 of everything. after that we're good to go crib-wise.

a new andy: well, rorie has andy... her little stuffed partner in crime, so of course we want jacob to have his own little friend. we've picked out beauregard the wolf (the name may or may not stick).

a few clothes for after baby: last time around i bought myself a few shirts to wear after rorie was born. i'd like to do the same this time around because it really helps you feel like a new person. and i'll need comfortable clothes that my weird post-baby body will fit into and ones that will simultaneously be easy to nurse in. i'd like to get a few of these shirts, maybe some of these, or these, and maybe a dress for when i'm feeling pretty.



and i think that will do it for the stuffs. i'm thinking i want to make a bunch of homemade snacks as well as buy some prepackaged ones for after baby is born. and i've made a pinterest board here of things i'd like to make to freeze. it's slightly difficult to find dairy-free freezer meals out there! it seems like everything under the sun is doused in cream sauce or cheese. oh well... i've found a few good ones i think. made two meals last week :)

***if anyone feels inclined to purchase a gift in preparation for baby jake's arrival we have two registry spots of items we really need. one is over at diapers.com. if you do buy off this registry, feel free to use this code: FFR19618220140306 to get an extra 15% off. pretty snazzy! and the other registry is at amazon.com. ***

2014 & BOOKS.

ugh. this week... it seriously was not my week. not my finest mama or wife moments. i think i've been an ok friend, sister, and daughter... so at least i have that going for me. i thought on monday we would finally be over jet lag. i was completely wrong and then some. i've had a relentless headache. a toddler who sounds like sick monica on friends (she's actually better as of yesterday, but still... it was uncalled for). a body that seems to be turning against me each day (pregnancy is the best!). and then aaron was summoned and chosen for jury duty, so we haven't seen him at all this whole week. and he was asked to work on saturday. blah. go away.

anyways, i've been thinking about things i want to do a little differently this year. not quite resolutions, because i'm really not a new years girl. lets be real... it's almost february and i'm talking about resolutions. but there have been some things that have weighed heavy on my heart to do differently in this new year. i thought i'd share them with you:

1. Budget like it's my job.
i have had a budget ever since i was in college. a nice little neat excel sheet which i would input my earnings and track my spending. we've carried over the system since getting married, but since having a baby it's been more on the back burner than something we've spent careful time on. it's still there, but we want to be invested in it and really stay on top of it as a couple.

2. Learn how to cook a whole chicken and use all it's parts.
i have yet to do this in my life. mostly because raw meat really freaks me out. i could be considered a vegetarian. sometimes i just don't make anything with meat because i don't want to deal with it. aaron has to remind me to get meat a lot. and when i do... it's usually chicken breasts. no bones. them bones freak me out. but really is this beneficial to my grocery budget? i don't know... but i think it would be useful and cheaper to cook a whole chicken and use it up. plus make broth... that is something i know how to do. but i usually do it with a rotisserie chicken. it's time to step it up. i'm going to be a mama of two (ha! to be fair that's not actually a legit reason... but i'll go with it).

3. Spend more time reading than watching tv.
i really love tv. i love whole seasons of shows on netflix. and i love to watch every single episode right away. i'm not going to give that up, because when i good show is made i fully believe it should be savored and watched and shared by as many people as possible. it's an art! but when i had morning sickness, and then just sickness, and then international travel, and more sickness, and then jet lag, and even more sickness... the netflix looks real good. and arthur is on at 4pm which is right after ellen at 3. and you get my picture. it's ok to savor the tv show when sick, but i want to make sure rorie sees mama reading and not just watching tv. she already loves to read and i really want to foster that behavior in her and in myself... because i love to read too! or at least i used to. which is something i want to change. instead of watching a show during my down time i want to read a bit more. i'm currently reading bread & wine. happy face. i plan on re-reading cold tangerines, frankenstein, and the time traveler's wife.

4. Make more homemade meals and snacks
i've only been back for a bit, but i have successfully planned out and executed this whole week's meal plan. it really only included dinners, so snacks are still on the to-do list. this week i made: whatever-you-got vegetable soup, slow cooker chicken tortilla soup, chicken pasta florentine, and slow cooker spaghetti squash and meatballs (currently cooking as i type). not too shabby. and i've already planned out the shopping list and meal plan for next week. go me! but, seriously... can i keep this up?!

5. Buy less. Buy used. Save more. Live with less.
we were in major survival mode with the first year of rorie's life. and looking back i seriously don't blame us. we bought a lot of things on impulse, tried to solve a lot of problems with merchandise (most problems just take time, people!), and ate a lot of take-out and delivery. but now i have some experience with a newborn with issues, so i hope we are a little more equipped to deal with a baby again. i've been going through our apartment for a while now and donating all the stuff we haven't used in the past 4 years. which is a lot of stuff. there's a place for almost everything in our tiny apartment and i'm really glad. it helps me breathe easier and it's a lot easier to put stuff away when there's a place for it. aka- toys. so that's one thing that i won't have to worry about with baby jacob. in our preparations for him, i've been looking to buy a lot of the things we need used. and i've been finding things! it's so great! my wallet is like, "hallelujah, sister!" (maybe i have a very southern baptist wallet- you don't know). so, in our attempts to buy used we hope to save more and essentially live with less. i think we are well on our way.

what do you want to do differently this year?

#2: MORNING SICKNESS RANT.

i think i've been dreading writing this post after announcing that we are having another baby. we are very excited... please don't get me wrong! it's just, at this point in the pregnancy... i'm like "yay! another baby! hold on- gotta go barf up my lunch..." *runs to the bathroom, one hand on the counter, one hand on the toilet paper roll, one leg up on the wall holding my toddler back*

i got this. i know i do. but right now i feel like this baby is beating the life an soul out of me. i feel primitive. like a cave woman trying to claw her way through each day. barely making it through, but making it through nonetheless.

i am sleeping 10-11 hours each night. it is still not enough. i go to bed right after i put rorie down, which is sometimes 6:30pm because i don't feel like i can last another half hour until her real bedtime. each morning i hear the rustle of rorie through the monitor and i think... this can't be right. my stomach twists and turns on itself. i can't do this. i feel like i'm rotting inside. and i spend a few minutes in the bathroom getting sick before i take her out of her tiny warm room and love on my first baby. i got this. i know i do. but right now i'm really sick.

i remember what it was like with rorie. i remember everything really well. i'm waiting another few weeks in the hopes that this will go away and my energy and spunk will return. i have a really fun time being rorie's mama. and we usually do a lot of fun things every single day. but #2 is kicking my butt.

i got this. i know it do.

REFLECTIONS.

we went to a halloween party on saturday and she picked up a little cold, so we have been staying inside, watching a few movies, playing with every toy we own, drinking lots of fluids, and taking steamy showers. you really wouldn't know she was sick- the drooling and faucet of a nose tips her off, but other than that... you wouldn't know. aaron and i know she's sick, because we no longer sleep at night. but she cuddles more- so i'm not totally mad.

i am reminded of where we were last year about this time. we were in such a different place. mentally & physically. rorie was three and a half months old. we were still such novice parents. we didn't know what we were doing. we were so sleep deprived- both us and rorie. it was a time of turmoil for our family. rorie had horrible acid reflux. we had just been told about about milk-protein intolerance. our baby was growing taller, but gaining no weight. when i look back at the pictures of her first three months it's incredible how sick she looks. it makes me feel sad that we didn't know about the answers until it was too late. baby girl was diagnosed as failure-to-thrive. it's such a hard thing to hear as a new mom. especially hard when i wasn't yet healed myself from birthing her into the world. mama and baby were so sick. we were barely surviving, but we were- surviving. i credit a lot of our success to aaron and my mom. always there for me and rorie. never letting us hit rock bottom. and then, around this time last year, baby girl spent a few days in the hospital with an eye infection that "children don't get" (direct quote from our ER doctor). we all came out ok. we survived.

and if you click on the links and look back at the pictures of my tiny sick baby... you'll see quite a difference from then to now. i took these pictures two days ago when the light was just right. little miss was sitting at the table eating dinner. i am amazed with the daughter we have been given. she's just the most wonderful thing and we have gotten through a lot together. i want everyone to meet her because she will make you feel so good about life. and she will make you smile. and she'll probably wrap her tiny little hands around your neck and pull you in for a nice long hug. because that's just how she rolls. i love you, my baby girl.

HER FIRST SLEEPOVER.

this weekend sadie's mama & daddy tied the knot. it was a beautiful ceremony right on the lake at the art center in evanston. the food was the bomb, the music was up to rorie's standards, and everyone had a wonderful time. when the night was over (eh...8:30ish ha!) aaron and i packed up the these two ladies into our subaru and proceeded to embark on their first ever sleepover. it was such a fun night and morning with them. in the pictures they are watching sesame street and eating cheerios. two of their most favorite things! they are starting to become very aware of each other in such a cute way. they smile and laugh and show each other toys. it's a beautiful little friendship they have going on. i'm so glad we could be "a part" of the wedding in this way.

RIGHT NOW.

is she trying to tell me that we should go running? probably not. but you should hear her say the word "shoes". 

if i never hear another word i'd be happy.

I'LL MISS THIS.

a messy dinner leads straight to the tub. at least for rorie. she hates to be cleaned off. i'm not sure where this hatred of cleaning her hands and face after a meal came from. she certainly loves to get clean in the tub. ah, my independent firecracker. whose ways i haven't yet begun to fully understand. we are getting closer to understanding each other. she talks an awful lot. and a lot of it i just can't understand. not because she's not trying to get her ideas across. there's no lack of trying on her part. it's just a language barrier. and that's something i'm familiar with. not being able to understand someone seems like everyday life. my family has experienced language barriers in almost every place we have lived- including here in chicago. and now my mother has successfully traveled back to thailand. possibly for the last time in our family's career of moving all over the world. it's a very exciting life we lead. the places we've traveled, the people we've met, the language barriers we've crossed, the food we've eaten. it's exciting. i wouldn't change it for the world! but... i really do miss her when she leaves. i will miss the moment in this photo. something so simple. a bath. my mother bathing my baby in as the sun bathes them. the splashing, laughing, and "quack! quack!" of bath time.

and the comfort of having my mom with me.

MONTROSE BEACH.

on saturday this past weekend we were lucky enough to spend a few hours at the beach with some of my main ladies. it was lindsey's 25th, so it was extra special to be able to meet up and wish her a happy birthday in person. rorie loved the beach and loved playing her 'aunties'. a lot of sand was digested... which probably means it was a good day for little miss. we also got to catch a few glimpses of the air and water show happening one beach over from us. it was the first time i've ever "seen" it! hope everyone is soaking up the summer!

p.s.  i'm going to miss my mom a lot when she leave (this saturday, boo.)

ONE LONELY MAMA.

the past few weeks i have gotten the privilege of watching a sweet little boy named skyler. two years old. a loving, hardcore, full-of-life, two year old. as well as watching rorie. so, it's been a little crazy. it was very hard to get used to figuring out two different schedules and divide my attention between the two, but a few weeks in we have a pretty nice thing going. i'm very much enjoying being in a new chicago neighborhood. and now that the weather is nice we are outside everyday discovering new parks. it's stressful at times and i find myself sweating through my shirt, but it has been a very humbling experience.

skyler has really taking a liking to rorie and vice versa. on mondays, we go to gymnastics. while skyler jumps, tumbles, and rolls, i try to keep rorie from getting too restless. she loves the equipment and i tell her that her grandma is a gymnastics judge. it's a parent/tot class, so it's kinda tricky to help him participate in class while watching rorie, but we've been getting the hang of it.

a pro of babysitting many kids is all the new toys rorie gets to play with. i mean... check out that kitchen!

somedays, it's just me and skye. i miss rorie on those days, but it's nice to give him my undivided attention. boy loves his bunny crackers and sitting under trees.

they've got a big ol' dog named wally who is like the teenager of the house. always lounging on a couch somewhere. rorie loves to pet him and he's a good sport about it.

we were even able to take a little family vacation with my babysitting money. we totally needed a little break from the city life, so we drove to dubuque, iowa- but that's a post for another day. we were able to take the vacation because aaron was hired at the rehabilitation institute of chicago on the orthopedic floor! we are extremely excited for this new change in our lives. he starts on monday, so wish him luck!

i named this post, "one lonely mama," because that's what i am right now. not really, but i am holding down the fort here in chicago while my brave husband took his first solo road trip with rorie to his hometown. both rorie and aaron needed some grandma d time, so it was fitting that he had this small break in between jobs. i've been watching skyler, enjoying afternoons with friends, crossing things off my to-do list, and relaxing a bit. it was very hard at first to be away from rorie. i hadn't really been away from her since october 2011. that's a long, long time! but i told my self to stop pouting and am enjoying my alone time... but very ready for my baby (and hubs) to return to me.

THE STORY OF RORIE: PART 2.

I'm not sure the exact times of the next events because... well...  36 hours of labor will do that to a girl. That night the OB residents weren't sure if it was my water that broke or not. It seemed as if it did, but then it didn't. Or did it? Then I felt like I peed again. And then it stopped. And then it started. But was it? And that is how the night went. They came to the conclusion that Rorie's head blocked the fluid from coming out, so that was what all the fuss was about. I was actually in labor and this baby was coming- 14 hours after my appendectomy.

That 4th of July was one I will never forget. I was in labor and it looked like my baby wanted to arrive on the 4th. On her parent's 3rd anniversary! On America's birthday! It was an exciting thought! I was sent back downstairs to Labor & Delivery to actually labor and deliver! Shockingly, I wasn't asked to switch from my bed to a transfer bed when the move happened. I was actually given a wheel chair. So thoughtful. Never did I think that I would be so thankful for a wheel chair. When we got downstairs we set up shop in our 4th hospital room in 3 days to welcome our baby girl. I'm pretty sure I knew what was going on, but I was not even close to be ready for the night I was about to experience.

Contractions started and when they started getting stronger I was given an epidural. I had planned not to have any medication while I gave birth, but one does not usually plan for an appendectomy right beforehand. My abdomen had been through enough stress and the doctors thought an epidural would be best. I obviously didn't object. The epidural wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It pinched and burned, Aaron held my hand, and then the pain was gone. But I couldn't move my lower half. Seriously, can't catch a break. Luckily, my trips to the bathroom were stalled with a lovely catheter. Ah, the little things.

The rest of the day is a blur of contractions. More epidural medication. OB residents. New nurses. There was only one point during our whole time in the hospital where Rorie went into distress. The nurse caught it quickly and helped her back to normal. My body was going crazy and she was a perfect angel. One thing that worried us was that Rorie had passed meconium into the fluid sac. The doctors told us that there would be NICU staff present at her delivery. On a positive note, we noticed that the whole left side of my belly was rock hard and bulged- my baby girl was doing her best to stay away from the operation site. Even in utero, she was super smart and caring.

As labor continued, I chugged down cran-apple juice and tried to eat ice. I hadn't eaten anything for 3 days and I knew I would need calories for pushing. My fever returned and the fatigue hit. Then I was told I couldn't drink or "eat" any more. 11:00 pm, I knew I had one hour to have a 4th of July baby. We started to do practice pushes and continued to real pushes. I could not feel my lower half for the beginning of the pushing. I don't know if you have ever tried to move a glass of water on a table with your mind, but that's what the pushing felt like. I could not feel any of my muscles and I didn't even know what I was doing. I didn't know if anything was happening or if any muscles were even contracting. It was the weirdest thing.

I started to get the hang of blind pushing and then my epidural wore off. And I was told that I had had the maximum amount and couldn't have any more. I was given a small pillow to hold over my incision site while I pushed. I started to really feel the contractions take over my belly and i became very aware of my incision. I clung to that pillow.

On July 5th, from 12:00 am to 4:39 am, the nurse, Aaron, and I were on auto-pilot. Contraction-push for 10 counts. Breathe. Aaron takes off cold towel and replaces it with a new one. Nurse takes notes on vitals. I pass out or attempt to whimper from the pain. Another contraction- push for 10 counts. Breathe. etc... My fever rose and my oxygen levels were too low. Aaron was extremely worried. I was given a mask to wear, which made every breath a hot mist in my nose. My fever made this the most annoying thing ever and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I needed to take a cold breath with the mask off. Which messed up my oxygen levels. So we added that to the auto-pilot mix. I watched the clock on the wall for the longest 4 hours of my life.

At 4:30 am, I started continuous pushing. No stopping. No breaks for breathing. It was time to get this baby out! We had already passed the 3 hour and 3.5 hour mark. The OB resident told me that they would have to do a c-section at 3 hours if the baby wasn't out. Luckily, we all had faith that I could do it. And at 4:39 am, Rorie Gwendolyn was born. 8 lbs 10 oz and 20.5 inches long! It's the weirdest thing to feel completely empty and deflated right after birth. They whisked her away to clean the meconium out of her airway. I told Aaron to go be with her and make sure she was ok. A few minutes later I heard a roar. Baby Rorie came out roaring!

Then, I was in total shock. 4 days without sleep or food. My baby was finally here. Everything hurt. She cried as I looked around the room. Everything looked different. She's ok. Everything was surreal.

Then I got freezing cold and started shaking. I couldn't stop shaking. Finally, Aaron got to hold Rorie and brought her over to see me. I hadn't even seen her yet! She was beautiful and bundled in her Daddy's arm. She blinked at me and I sat there shaking. I felt like that little boy after the dentist, "is this real life?" Wishing my body would stop. I didn't want to hold her because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to control my muscles and I would drop her.

Thankfully, after a few minutes in a warm blanket I got to hold my baby. She was perfect. I asked if we could try nursing. We had to set her up, being careful of my incision site, on a pile of pillows. She was a natural at nursing. I was so proud of my baby and so exhausted at the same time. Aaron went with the nurses and took her up to the nursery. And then I fell asleep from exhaustion. 

We enjoyed the rest of our hospital stay immensely. Lots of visits from friends, doctors, nurses, surgeons. Yummy food. Cable TV. And special bonding time with our newest family member. 

The story of Rorie is ever-changing, never boring, and always an adventure. And it has been from the start.

THE STORY OF RORIE: PART 1.

It all started the morning of July 2nd. It was 4:00 am on Monday morning. It was normal for me to be semi-awake at this point in my pregnancy. My bladder was all but too small and Rorie was always a mover and a shaker in the wee hours of the morning. So when I woke up to light cramping at the bottom of my tummy I thought... "hmmm... maybe this is the start of something." And of course, I was right. It just wasn't quite what I thought it was going to be.

When I reflect on that night/morning I should have realized that something fishy was about to happen. Before going to bed I got an amazing burst of energy. I felt so wonderful... just like my old self! Like I wasn't even 37 weeks pregnant, nothing ached or hurt, and everything was funny. I was such a goof that Aaron couldn't even take it! Sign #1? Then in the middle of the night, before the pain started, I woke up to both cats laying by me- awake and looking at me. This never happens... because I hate when they lay by my legs and feet at night, so I always kick them away. So they've learned to sleep by Aaron's feet because he doesn't mind. And they both looked at me when I woke up- weird. Sign #2? Most likely.

I managed to stay in bed for a majority of the morning. I tried to eat and keep myself hydrated, but ended up throwing up everything. It was scary. Throwing up while 9 months pregnant royally sucks and hurts really bad. And to top it all off it was the beginning of the 100 degree weather. We were all dripping. I stayed most of the day in my bedroom (the only place with an AC unit- which was working it's tail off and still not really working).

As the day progressed, the pain was constant and then was centralized to my lower right abdomen. I knew that contractions would come in waves, so I started getting worried- thinking that something wasn't right. For some reason, the thought came to my head that maybe it could be my appendix. I had almost every symptom- except for a fever. At dinner time, we called the OB office and talked to Dr. Shaw. I told him everything that had been going on that day and asked him if he thought it could be my appendix. He was certain that there was no way it could be and that it was probably just the heat. We finished the conversation with him telling me to drink water and take a Tylenol and call back if anything changes. I felt horrible- because I had been doing that all day. So we waited an hour and checked my temperature again... and I had a fever. We called back and he told us to go to Labor & Delivery to get an evaluation. Right as my Mom came home with dinner we hopped into the car and drove to the hospital. No dinner for us.

I remember having the most difficult time in the car. Every bump hurt my side horribly. We parked and slowly walked to L&D... it was a LONG walk. I walk slow in general, but this was a whole new level of slow. I clung to Aaron with every step because the pain was so horrible. We finally made it to the front desk and Rorie started moving like crazy which just added to my pain. I had to sign my name on a few papers and must have looked completely ridiculous because I was shaking from the pain. To top it all off... all the rooms were full, so I had to wait in the hallway, clinging to the walls for support, for a bed in the triage unit to be cleaned. Rorie would not stop moving and my side was throbbing.

I finally got into the bed and they hooked me up and started an IV of fluids (which stayed hooked up to me for the next 5 days). I was very dehydrated and Rorie's heart rate was elevated. It was lucky that I went in when I did! They still weren't convinced that it could be my appendix. I talked to OB residents, general surgery, and the anesthesiologist- who told me that I wouldn't be seeing him again... ha! Little did he know.

At 12:00 am I was set to get a CT scan to get a few pictures of my abdomen to see if it could be my appendix. I'm lucky that Aaron could come into the room with me- even if I couldn't see him. I was excited at the beginning because I had learned about all the different kinds of scans at NP, while studying Psychology, but had never gotten one! It was not the experience I thought it would be. My pain was amplified by that point and Rorie continued to move around like a crazy girl. I had to lay on my back for almost an hour on an extremely hard surface while in the machine. Note: You are not supposed to lay on your back when you're pregnant and I had no choice but to. Not only was I in pain from being on my back, but Rorie was moving, AND my appendix was throbbing...AND I had to hold my breath for each scan and I couldn't hold my breath for that long. 30+ seconds... while you're pregnant, on your back, in pain, in a huge, loud, claustrophobic scanner.

Luckily, it turned out that the scan gave the doctors everything they needed to conclude that it was 100% my appendix. I was right. Which I knew from the beginning. I was wheeled back to my room. It was nearing 2:00 am. I hadn't eaten or slept in almost a day.

By then, I became the talk of the hospital. People on different floor heard about the 37 week pregnant girl with appendicitis. It was mildly amusing in my painful situation. We were put in a room to wait until surgery at 5:00 am. I tried to sleep, but it just wasn't happening. Nurses kept coming in to take vitals or switch my fluids, so sleep really didn't occur.

Around 5:00 am they came in to take me into surgery. I had to maneuver my bulging, painful belly from my bed to a transfer bed. Just what I wanted to do. It was weird to me that no one thought that this might be hard for me to do. But I did it. And it wasn't pretty.

Aaron came with me as far as he could and we didn't even get to say a real goodbye or anything. The first surgery of my life at age 24. I was so scared. I left my husband in the hallway and was wheeled into what I'm assuming was where you wait pre-operation. No one let me know what was going on and I was still in a lot of pain. My appendix was screaming and my back hurt from trying to support myself on an uncomfortable transfer bed, my neck wasn't supported, and I couldn't even maneuver my large painful belly up a couple of inches to readjust the pillows behind me. So I sat there grimacing for 30 minutes while a small man behind a desk tapped at a computer. He came over to check me once, but I was no longer in "mommyland" where every staff member has super strength and knows how to move a pregnant chick into a comfortable position. This poor guy looked at me like, "I'm here to help you, but I'm in way over my head-plus a 4 lb weight leaves me sore after a good workout". So I continued to lay there in pain because that guy was no help.

The doctor finally arrived and they wheeled me into a distinctly cold operating room. In Grey's Anatomy, it never looks like the operating rooms are freezing cold- but they are. And then they asked me to move from my transfer bed onto a skinny little operating table. Again... I'm not sure why everyone in the hospital thought I could just hop from bed to bed, but I did it again, and it was not pretty. Again.

It got scary again here because people were just in their own groove setting up for the surgery of the morning and I was left lying on the table, arms spread out, wearing nothing but a gown, wondering what was going to happen next, my heart pounding in my chest, an appendix pounding, equally as hard, and a baby squirming next to it. I had told them that I wanted to be put to sleep during the operation. I knew that it could affect the baby and make her sleepy too, but I already felt traumatized and didn't think I could handle being awake for it. I'm not sure if they told me to count backwards or anything like that, but they then proceeded to take out that nasty appendix. I hadn't eaten or slept in a day and a half.

The next thing I remember is waking up on my left side with a very sore stomach and unable to keep my eyes open. Aaron was able to come see me and I could only see his feet- which now had athletic shoes on them. We came to the hospital in 100 degree weather and he was wearing flip-flops, so  I said groggily, "you have shoes on." And that's all I remember from that. Aaron always laughs about it.

The few hours after that encounter with Aaron are filled with grogginess. I know my sister and Mom came in to see me, but I could not keep my eyes open. The nurses gave me pain medication and I am so thankful for it. I was in and out of "sleep" for most of the morning and early afternoon. When the medications wore off they wore off with a vengeance. It literally felt like a big slice through my pregnant belly- and it was. Nice and fresh. My abdominal muscles screamed at me and the incision site would pull if I tried to move. I felt so helpless and frustrated.

In the afternoon, I was moved up to the floor where the new mommies go after they have given birth. Obviously, I had yet to enter that category, but there I was. Hooked up to an IV machine making me need to pee way too often. Getting up out of bed, shuffling into the bathroom, sitting on the toilet, standing from the toilet, shuffling back to my bed, getting into bed. That became my routine for the rest of the day. It didn't really get easier. It stayed a very painful routine.

My larger than life moving belly had a 3 inch incision on the right side of it. I bet you're wondering why they didn't do a c-section. Everybody wonders that, so don't feel dumb. Even other doctors wondered why Dr. Shaw didn't just take Rorie out during the appendectomy. Here's his reasoning: an appendectomy is a very clean surgery. They make a nice clean incision, take specific steps to remove the appendix, and then they close. A c-section is not a clean surgery. They make a quick incision, work quickly, fluid erupts and the baby is pulled out, doctors never know what might happen. It's not "clean", as Dr. Shaw described. It is also another abdominal surgery. Having two abdominal incisions would be much harder to recover from. And the infection rate of mixing a very clean surgery with a messy one  is high. So, that's why the appendix came out and the baby stayed in.

I had a few friends visit after work ended around 5:00 pm. July 3rd was a crazy day. It was nice to see my friends and finally be able to talk to my Mom and sister. The day was starting to wind down. Maybe I could sleep? Maybe we could eat some food? Dinner even? Maybe we can go home, recover, and wait for this baby to actually come.

And then 7:30 pm rolled around... and I felt like I peed my bed.

TIDBITS.

1. playtime   2. mama morning dove   3. buttons for roro   4. first time eating swedish pakcakes (and sharing with elle)

rorie and i have been busy babysitting for three different families. it's been hard to juggle and hard for her to sleep at so many different houses. a plus for her is all the different toys and books. we have also both picked up a nasty little sinus cold. yesterday, it worked out that we could stay home and rest up. it was nice to be back in my own home during the day. we got caught up on the diapers upstairs and the laundry downstairs. we spotted the beautiful mama morning dove on our way down. she stayed out there in the cold and rain and i thought, "you go, mama." we are not babysitting again until monday, so our friday is free. free to get better. free to snuggle more. and free to relax and read books.