DEAR JACOB.

dear jacob,

you are the sweetest thing at three months old. it's to fun to watch your dark blue eyes follow your spirited sister around the room. it's like you've completely forgot that she stared down on you on the floor...just a month ago...with a twinkle in her eye, and proceeded to step on you. yeah, that happened.

oh, sweet boy. the way you get bashful and grin bringing your tiny fists to your face. you spin in a circle, kick yourself across the room, and flip yourself over both ways. how quickly you have strengthened your tiny body. how dedicated you are to mastering your hands. *spoiler alert* you have feet too! two of 'em! no worries...wait another month and you'll find them.

and in all of the goodness that you are there is so much we are trying to deal with. 

number one: not a big fan of the head-butt to my chin. that needs to stop. as well as digging your tiny fingers into my skin and pulling my hair. i know you're strong, kid. but stronger people know how to LET GO. haven't we watched enough frozen to figure that out?

you're just not breastfeeding like a champ. you're just not. some feedings you rock. other times it's like you're trying to off me via breastfeeding. we've seen doctors, lactation consultants, and combed through the internet. i can't figure it out. so we've added pumping to the mix. just for fun. especially when you do a nice "long" 4 hour stretch at night only to follow it up with some 1.5-2 hour sleep sprints. and finding time to pump and sleep while all that happens. for the record- pumping completely wakes a girl up. and then one night i decided to take the paci away to see if that helped. i am alive to tell the tale, but it was an ugly day and night. it was so ugly. snot-nosed crying ugly. crying through your soul ugly. you have your paci back. and we are both not crying anymore.

trying to figure out pumping with putting you to sleep for naps and helping pull-down pants for potty training and making snacks and in general keeping you and your sister alive...is not very easy. i know, it sounds like i'm such a wimp. so easy, right? 

i'm also just a tad tired because you don't like caffeine. thank you so much for that, sweet boy. makes life so much easier. i should have expected this though...i do not tolerate caffeine in large amounts. excedrin gets me hyper. why do all my most annoying traits get passed on to my babies?!

and if i could just continue to whine for a little bit...my whole body aches. i have done no exercise in a long time. holding you is hard. and you like to be held a lot (i love you for that). my calves ache from bouncing you to sleep. my poor old knees (i'm only 26!) ache from the weird rocking we have to do to get you to doze off. my thighs burn because sometimes you don't like the weird rocking, you like a solid squat to put you to sleep. and my fingers hurt because you gnaw on them and i'm constantly disciplining your sister (insert finger wave here).

i muttered to your dad during the ugly day, "i thought he would be easier"... and i'm laughing at myself now for even thinking that. thank you, jacob kian. thank you for breaking down my preconceived notions of you. i thought we'd been put through the ringer with roro. i'm coming to realize that there is always going to be something hard because you are always so much stronger than you think.

i will continue on trying to be only the best mama for you...and you, my son... i can only dream of what you will do.