THE PRICE OF LIQUID GOLD.

i've debated even writing about this...or even continuing to write on this blog. i know it's important to share our experiences. and i love looking back on posts and remembering how i felt and breathing life into our family pictures through text. but it's hard to write about the tough stuff. i think it's so hard because there's a part of you that has to officially deal with what you went through when you write it down. so here's what we've been going through and the tough decisions we've had to make.

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i just want to scream. "why is this so hard?!" i just want to feed him. he's my second baby. the one who was supposed to be my fresh start. when it comes to breast feeding, that is.

and that's when i know it's time to stop. when i start screaming. both in my head and out loud. when i'm crying because i can't believe this is happening again. 

and painfully and wearily, i surrender my god given ability to lactate for the second time.

feeding him was a constant struggle. both on his part and mine. we both hated it. a feeding did not equal a happy baby. it meant painful burps and lots of crying. both him and me. it hurt me physically and mentally. we visited everyone under the sun to try and fix our breast feeding. he just never got it right. he still doesn't suck right on a pacifier or a bottle. so i know that's part of the problem.

when we started giving him a formula marketed as "supplementing while breast feeding" i thought, "i can do this. i can be an exclusive pumper. 

and I could have. that's a reality i could have chosen.

i lived that reality for two weeks. and that's why i'm not doing it.

i watched myself be hooked up to a noisy machine that dripped out liquid gold. as all gold goes, it came at a price. two weeks in and i was not myself. i couldn't create enough liquid gold to satisfy my little one. i was spending no time with my children. even less time with my husband. i wasn't sleeping. night shift and pumping don't really mix. i was all around hating life while "trying" to do the best for my baby.

i watched myself place my two year old in front of the tv for hours on end- daily. i watched myself tell her "no" and "hold on" and "wait" more than i ever have in her short two years of life. i watched myself yell and scream and cry in frustration as my doe eyed two year old stroked my hair and held my face saying, "it's ok mama". i watched myself lay my baby on the floor with toys or in a swing more often than i picked him up.

all for the sake of breast milk... 

because "breast is best". 

at least that's what they say.

we fed him formula... two oz... the amount i was able to pump. he screamed until he had two more. he was happier than he had ever been. and then proceeded to sleep very well. i had been starving yet another one of my children.

he's so much happier now. like a different baby. and he's grown quite a bit! he still spits up. my dad was a spitter. i was a spitter. my children are both spitters. like i've said before, they get my best qualities. 

once, when aaron was feeding him he spit up for the second time that bottle. aaron told him, "dude, you're wasting our money". 

i heard it and instantly said, "i'd rather waste our money than our time."

and that was that. the peace of knowing that this was what we were destined to do. again. use the dreaded formula. 

but you know what? there's a lot of people out there who give there all to create this liquid gold that's become even more precious to me than it's predecessor. it now sustains and sustained both my babies. sure, it's a big business trying to snag all our money. when i see a big business of moms who's sole career is to make milk for the masses...i'll believe the saying, "breast is best" wholeheartedly. until then... we're relying on the dreaded formula and a donation of breast milk from a coworker sent from heaven.

you know what is best? plain and simple feeding your baby. you feed them... and you are doing what is best for them and for you. 

don't break it down more than that. ever. because it only creates fear and disappointment if you tell me what I'm doing is second best. because it's not.

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now here i am... not even a week into our decision. not officially dried up yet, but getting there. i am so happy. the happiest i've been since jacob entered out family. i feed my baby. it's calm and wonderful to do it. he burps beautifully. it's a great bonding experience now. no longer a fight. when i'm not feeding him i'm playing with him. and he's the cutest. his smiles melt me. his laughter makes me want to cry it's so wonderful. and rorie and i can play and spend time together again. i can focus on her. i can't believe i made these wonderful souls.

and let me tell you... that last paragraph... that's worth all the formula in the world.





and yes... gilmore girls is on the tv. we made grilled dark chocolate peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and watched my favorite show. rorie was enthralled. so obviously i'm the happiest mama in the world.