SO SOUNDLY I ENVY HIM.

i'm at home alone with him. my husband has taken my littlest sister and daughter to barbecue, or "bar-ba-qwee-yoo"... as my almost-two year old says. that's what she'll tell you if you ask her. how old she is, i mean, " almost two." like she's actually "almost twelve".

i'm home alone with him. i fed him right before they left and he squirmed and burped and spit up until his tiny body succumbed to the drowsy look in his dark blue eyes. i wrapped him in a swaddler and put him in his tiny crib. it's chilly out today, so i draped his knit blankie over his torso and legs. they are beginning to fatten up. ever so slowly, but it's happening.

i'm home alone with him. he's been sleeping in his crib since they left. it might have been an hour? i'm not sure because i'm having a hard time leaving him alone. he's been sleeping peacefully the whole time. but i'm scared to leave him. scared that he will spit up and choke. scared that it will burn his little throat. it's brand new... i just made it from scratch. scared that he won't be able to sleep because he's in pain.

i'm scared because his sister's suffering as an infant has left scars on my heart and mind. and i'm terrified he will have to go through the same thing. our first time alone with him in the hospital he started to choke.  we hadn't had him more than half an hour. his face turned red and he became rigid. his small, limp baby neck bulged with all the muscle and veins he had in him as he fought for a breath. my husband patted his back, turned him upside-down for an infant heimlich. he tried to save him, but nothing was working. he sprinted into the hallway with our purple faced son. i had pressed the call button before he ran out, but then i sat there. empty from birth in an empty room. not knowing if my baby was ok or not.

ultimately he was fine. they told me he was born so quickly that he didn't get a big squeeze like other babies do. "the squeeze" helps the liquid and mucus in their body get pushed out. his was still lingering in his body causing havoc. he spent the night in the nursery that night. just in case he choked again. he didn't. it took a few days, but he eventually cleared himself out.

he's been sleeping this whole time.

yes, he spits up and chokes a bit sometimes... but he's brand new. still getting the hang of this thing called life. he hasn't choked like the hospital since the hospital. he sleeps so soundly that I envy him. he eats like a champ. we have nothing to worry about (so far) with our boy. i'm sure it will take time before i stop checking if he's breathing. before i feel comfortable letting him nap behind a closed door. but for now, i'll sit here and watch my baby's chest rise and fall with the sound of rain as i delve into a new book and wait for my firstborn to come crashing home in all her toddler glory.